As I sit to write this blog entry I see a big blank box. I am torn with how to represent myself and what to write.
First I fill the box with stream of consciousness writing, filled with beautiful imagery and coloured with an overlying tone of angst. This is the confused and broken version of me. Lost and scared.
Then I try to practice positive self talk. To examine the other side of the coin. The put together and organized me. The profound me with good perspective and insight and wise words. The me that I think everyone wants me to be.
Neither seems right.
Once again I remind myself that this is for me. This project is for me. This blog is for me. I am writing this for me.
But who am I? Authentically at the core, who am I? Before I bend myself into what I think someone else needs or wants, who am I?
I am all of these things. I am none of these things.
I can’t find my true self. I wonder if it’s possible to not have a true self. I am haunted by the notion that perhaps I put myself somewhere safe deep inside, and can’t remember where?
I wanted to write a little bit about my current state, so that I can measure the changes as I progress through this project.
Whether it be truth or not I feel inadequate. Much of the time I am confused. At times I wonder who I am and what I am doing with my life. I’m muddling through day by day in what feels like a continual cycle of waking and sleeping. Rising again and again to serve my family, my friends, my community, and through all this, my God. Neglecting myself, my desires, my goals, my dreams, my spiritual and emotional needs, and even my physical needs at times. … most of the time, if truth be told. I can’t help but feel that nothing is ever good enough. Not good enough for others, and/or not good enough for me. While holding authenticity in highest regard I simultaneously wear the many hats, shoes, and masks that are required of me to serve those around me most effectively. Where then is the authenticity and the authentic me in all this? Buried so deeply, somewhere safe within for so long, that I can no longer remember what it looks like or who I am.
The Following things do not define me. They may however be an indicator of my current health.
Weight: 232 lbs
Mood on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is low: 3
Daily: Cipralex 15mg (been thinking about upping this one)
As Needed: Ativan 0.5 mg. & Sublinox 5mg.
Medical conditions or diagnosis: None
Activity level: Sedentary
Eating lifestyle/habit: Western Dietary Pattern/Omnivore (for info on more eating lifestyles see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_diets)