I’ve been anxious yesterday and today.
Yesterday I did my spiritual routine as planned, however I was disoriented and couldn’t find the podcast set I usually listen to, so I listened to something else. I also got distracted and somehow missed the bible reading all together without even realizing it. The meditation went fine, and I think it may have relieved most of the anxiety. My outlook on life was better yesterday, I got together with a friend and made a point of trying some new things. Like switching email providers and trying Milk Kifer.
Today that anxious feeling is back. I remembered to do the whole routine this time. I had trouble understanding the podcast, it seemed a bit deeper then what my mind could handle today. Prayer and blessings went fine, though I find I can rarely stop at blessing only three people. Once I start I just want to keep going, and new people keep coming to mind. For Bible reading I continued on with Psalms, reading 3 and 4 this time. The last verse of Psalm 4 particularly stood out.
‘In Peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety.’
The anxious feeling persisted, and I hoped that the time in meditation would relieve it. I generally enjoy watching the colours behind my eyelids change with my breath, as the blood flows and light shifts, and find that a good thing to use as a point of focus. Today however I found my breathing was loud, and my mind was full of memories, and an intense urge to bite my nails. I did maintain stillness and a non judgmental attitude, and attempted to continue to return to the present for the whole 10 minutes. Though the 10 minutes did seem longer then they ought to have. Though during meditation I was given a bit of a reprieve from the anxious feelings, I found that immediately afterward the anxious feelings have returned fully, along with shortness of breath. They are not accompanied by any particular thought, it’s just general anxiety.
I want to write more, about my plan to help me ‘Fall in Love with Life’ again. The plan is not fully formed however, and with my anxiety level up there I’m having a bit of trouble thinking clearly. But I’ve been going ahead and starting to work toward this so I want to record my loose ideas and I can build a more concrete organized plan around it later.
- Experiencing new stuff.
- Doing things I’ve never done before.
- Going new places.
* They don’t have to be exciting or far. I should be able to do those things right here, since I pretty much live in a bubble most of the time, and don’t get off the beaten path much.
* I want to put a social component into it as well.
* Developing morning and evening rituals/routines. my spiritual routine is a great start, but I would like to continue to develop more routines as well.
* and consistently doing my Joy notes are a big part of this too.
Today’s Mood out of 10 with 1 being low: 4
Today’s Something New:
- Making Sour dough Bread
Today’s Social Connection:
- Texts with RD.
- A quick phone call with my SIL
Today’s Lessons to Remember:
- It’s okay to get rained on. Rain doesn’t hurt. We are not made of sugar, so we won’t melt.
- The only real failure is the failure to try.
Today’s Joy Notes:
- Finally using the dutch oven to try making sourdough bread.
- JF taking time to msg me.
- The looks of delight on my children’s faces as I danced for them in the pouring rain.
- Taking the kids for a walk in the last golden hour of sunshine, the scent of the rain still filling the air.
- Watching the kids on the swing.
- Participating in a progressive story.
- All the great curriculum I was given second hand.
- Looking fwd to a down weekend of baking and puttering.
Yesterday’s Mood out of 10 with 1 being low: 6
Yesterday’s Something New:
- Trying milk Kifer
- Changing my email address provider.
Yesterday’s Social Connection:
- Emails with RD.
- Play date and visit with FV
- Msgs. with JF
- Porch visit with the neighbor.
Yesterday’s Lessons to Remember:
- When my perception tells me I have no friends, it’s lying.
- Who I am is the version of me that comes most naturally.
- Suffering is caused by clinging to what we don’t have and pushing away what we do have. Thanks for the reminder to find joy in what each moment brings Josh.
Yesterday’s Joy Notes:
- My friend JF who knowing me well enough to know what kind of links I will enjoy.
- This making me smile: ‘Happy Rock Climbers enjoying the view’
- Making a choice to move forward on something that I’ve been procrastinating .switcing email providers
- Light playful emails back and forth with a friend RD
- Making good progress deciding on my first tattoo.
- Last minute plans and being able to just be myself hanging out with a friend FVdoing nothing while she painted and gardened.
- Laying on the trampoline staring up at the sky and trees, and out at the fields.
- Trying something new Kefir
- Watching ‘Master Chef’ with the kids.
- Msg’s from one of my dearest friends JF before bed.