So Tired

Todays Spiritual Routine Progress:

  • Listen to a Podcast from Laudate.  ✔
  • Pray  ✔
  • Send thoughts of loving kindness and pray a blessing for 3 people.  ✔
  • Read 2 chapters from the Holy Bible.  ✔ 1 Corinthians 3 & 4
  • Meditate (currently 10 min.)


I am So tired.  So very very tired.  I have been having trouble getting to sleep this week.  3 nights in a row I took sleeping pills (this is the first time in my life I’ve taken them nightly), so last night I refused to take one, even though I so wanted/needed one.   Yesterday I was exhausted by lunch time, and cancelled plans with Shifu so I could spend the late afternoon and early evening in bed.  My inability to sleep at night is not for lack of being tired.  I don’t know what’s keeping me up.  Thinking?  Feeling?  Maybe.  I think I’ve fallen deeper into depression.  I’m ready to up my Ciprolex the final 1/4 of a pill to 20mg.  I need to up it the rest of the way… but I forgot to get a renewal on my prescription when I was in on Tuesday.  I can’t get back in to my MD until the 9th, and if I up it to 20mg now, I will run out before the 9th.

This morning I woke up early to find a message from Josh, with a link to todays Podcast, which truly blessed me by prompting me to begin my day with my spiritual routine.  So, I ate a healthy breakfast and went outside to do my devotions.  The morning was crisp and beautiful.  I could see my breath, and one small branch of leaves on my May tree have turned a brilliant reddish orange.  The sunlight was shining at that gorgeous golden angle, and the all the wet greens glowed vibrant and full of life.  The world was beautiful.  I read my bible, and I’ve been reading from a new translation, The NLV.  I’m finding the change in translation refreshing and it has reignited my hunger for the word of God.  To see God’s word in a new way is truly a blessing.

I was motivated to read 1 Corinthians by something that was said by my Counselor/psychologist (I really need to come up with a handle/nickname to use here to refer to him by).   So I’ve been continuing on reading 1 Corinthians, and really enjoying it.  Afterwards I prayed and sent out some thoughts of loving kindness/blessings.  At this point I was so cold and exhausted that I skipped meditation for the time being and came back into the house.

One of the things that my counsellor has me doing this week, is asking God to show me how he sees/views me.  Kind of asking him to let me see myself through his eyes.  I have been doing this by first reaching a state of mindfulness meditation, and then asking God to show me.  I tried not to have any expectations, however what is being revealed to me is definitely being revealed in a way I didn’t expect.  I am seeing images.  Sometimes they are moving, sometimes they are still.  The most recent one I attempted to move through.  The images are not of me, and I believe that they are symbols, so I have been using the dream dictionary at Dream Moods to try to decipher their meaning.  I would prefer to use a dictionary of spiritual symbolism, however I have been unable to find one.  Nevertheless, I have found the interpretations of these images to be surprisingly appropriate and personally meaningful.

I have much to do today and I am truly overwhelmed, but also unbelievably exhausted.  It has been a while since I have been this non-functionally exhausted.  I believe that this exhaustion is a symptom of a downward spiral of depression that was triggered not only by all that is going on in my life currently, but more specifically that it was magnified yesterday by my inability to book in with my MD for September 3rd to get my CT scan results and renew my prescriptions.  The fact that I was so exhausted that I cancelled plans last night with Shifu is a terribly bad sign for me.  I think it was reading a brief emailed reminder from my counsellor, about a hundred times, and hanging onto that truth, that pulled me through yesterday.  It said “The Lord loves you and has got you in His arms …whether you sense it or not :)”


We are SO so close to the end of the month and I need to decide what I’m going to be focusing on changing in this coming month.

I don’t have the energy to even think about it right now.


Today’s Mood out of 10 with 1 being low:  4

Today’s Something New:  Coming soon

Today’s Social Connection:

  • brief txt with RD
  • brief msg from Josh
  • emails from BI
  • txts with my cousin KK
  • Dinner with KS
  • TV with RD

Today’s Lessons to Remember:  Coming soon

Today’s Joy Notes:  

  • A recomendation from my counsellor to watch Grahme Cooke videos.
  • Watching this: Grahme Cooke: ‘Living Your Truest Identity.’
  • My buddy, KS from Minneapolis, texting me from the airport when he got into town.
  • KS being able handle my intensity with no problem.
  • Going to dinner with KS.
  • Finally getting to go for dinner at ‘Burger 320’ (it was on my bucket list)
  • Eating a yummy ‘Wickens Burger’ with BBQ Rhubarb Onion Chutney at a picnic table while enjoying a view of the city skyline.
  • Chatting with the lovely Chef Mario.
  • Being gifted with Chocolate Gelato.
  • Hanging out and watching TV with RD

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