When I Can See Both Sides, But Can’t Find the Truth.

Today my soul is quiet.  My nature is calmer.  The intensity seems to have passed for the time being.

This coming Tuesday I have an appointment with my MD and I am supposed to tell her what my goals are.  What I want to be working toward, and where I want to be in 5 years (I think that’s what she said.)  I still have no clue.  I haven’t devoted much thought to it really I guess.  …at least not productive conscious thought.  That is part of the reason I went to counselling a week ago and then again this week.  But we never seem to get to it.  I think that Dr.B having not pushed me to a decision or tried to influence any decisions is probably a sign of a great therapist.  However, I still feel lost, and the fact that I feel a need to make some changes but don’t know what changes, can be incredibly frustrating and cause the intensity to really build.  I would like to avoid this appointment all together with my MD, to be honest, but unfortunately I can’t, ’cause I really need that blasted refill on my meds.

Last Friday when I was lamenting once again to Shifu that I just didn’t know what I wanted out of life and didn’t have any goals, he made a comment that really stuck with me.  He told me that he knows what he wants, and that he has never met anyone who didn’t want something specific more than what they currently have.  He suggested that maybe I don’t want anything because I am satisfied with my life.  Maybe I already have what I want in life.  Maybe I am living my purpose already.  This is a valuable angle to consider.  If I am living the life I want, then I don’t want to pursue change, because that’s completely pointless and counter productive.  So change for the sake of change is foolish.  I need to figure out what I want out of life, so I know if this is what I want, and if not, so I know where to go from here.

This makes no sense in my head in a way.  It’s that old problem again of being able to see both sides but not knowing which is the truth.   It makes me think of that old saying that ‘there are two sides to every story – and then there is the truth’.  Something is not right.  I don’t want to continue living this way.  But what is ‘this way’?  Is the problem with me?  Is the problem my life circumstances?  Is the problem my family?  My environment?  Today I feel like I am not the problem.  Today I feel fine.  But sometimes I am really, really Not fine.  And I don’t ever know when that will be.  And even then….  what has caused me to be not fine?  It is external?  situational?  Today I feel certain that it is.  That it is certainly not me.  But even still I feel that nigley feeling inside that I am telling myself a lie, yet on the other hand I fell so totally certain that someone else has caused this doubt in myself, and that the source of the problem is not me.  I feel like I’m in a thought loop.  And these are the thoughts that make me feel like I’m going crazy.  Like someone else has driven me crazy.

life-quotes-41


Todays Spiritual Routine Progress:

  • Listen to a Podcast from Laudate.
  • Pray ✔
  • Send thoughts of loving kindness and pray a blessing for 3 people.
  • Read 2 chapters from the Holy Bible.
  • Meditate (currently 10 min.)

Today’s Mood out of 10 with 1 being low:  5

Today’s Something New: 

  • Coming Soon

Today’s Social Connection:

  • messaging with Josh
  • Email from BI
  • phone conversation with mom
  • brief texts with RD

Today’s Lessons to Remember:

  • Coming Soon

Today’s Joy Notes: 

  • Sneaking out for a Chai Latte and a browse through the book store.
  • New books for me and DD
  • Mom’s ‘early retirement’ unexpectedly and officially starting today.
  • Encouraging words from BI and a kind and generous offer.
  • Being able to stay home and home school my kids.
  • Being able to still be in Summer holiday mode while I drag my heels prepping for the new school year.

 

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