Yesterday afternoon was brutal. I spent about 4 hours in the bathtub avoiding life. I was anxious and heading into a different state. A state of quiet Social withdrawal. I was supposed to attend a planning meeting for an organization that I volunteer with. I was so anxious that I decided not to attend. However, when Shifu found out, he drew me out by encouraging me to come help him. I trust Shifu, and I feel safe with him seeing me in these states of emotional disarray when I don’t have it together. To get together with only him seemed so much less intimidating, so I went. Once I was there I felt up to attending the planning meeting, and from their my social persona kicked in and carried me through. The high has carried forward into today, and though I still have an underlying current of anxiety running through me, I am happy to be in a much more positive emotional state.
Last night I finally shared my list of ‘
12 13 Things I Wish I Did For Myself’ with Shifu, and we talked about the concern of leaving physical activity and healthy eating so long before working on improving them. Wanting to make healthy steps toward physical health, yet still feeling utterly overwhelmed, Shifu and I decided that for the next 2 weeks I will get up at 7am and eat breakfast right away as a step towards developing self-efficacy. In 2 weeks, we will discuss where to go from there. This I can handle. Not thinking about everything, but just focusing on this one tiny change. I`m so thankful for Shifu`s willingness to meet me where I`m at, and guide and support me in this.
I said yesterday that when I come back I need to write a bit about my feelings surrounding my intention to begin attending church this Sunday. Yesterday my state of anxiety and social withdrawal were a cause of my nerves and excuses to avoid church. However, if I can maintain this positive energized social persona until Sunday, then I will be fine. Somewhere in the back of my mind is the consideration that if this is the persona that people meet, although it will attract friends, it will also give a one-sided or perhaps false representation of who I really am. Which I believe can be and has been detrimental to me maintaining friendships in the past. I can`t think too much on it for right now. For the most part, I think it is what it is and whatever state I`m in for tomorrow and Sunday, will have to suffice, and I will have to trust God to work out the friendships and relationships as they develop later.
So today I had my third counselling session with Dr.B. It went well. I swear I`m all over the map and we discuss so much it`s hard in the end for me to remember what to take away from the session into my week. I think I need to start taking notes at my counselling sessions to help me retain the wisdom. The most impacting moment of todays session, for me, was Dr.B telling me of his conscious intent to not abandon me. I don`t expect this to make any sense to anyone else.
It is my intent to begin some work on Distress Tolerance this weekend and to finish reading `The Practice of the Presence of God` …in addition to the many things I need to do to prepare for the school year. Regardless of what is accomplished this weekend the priority is to attend church. I can already anticipate the biggest roadblock being our excuse that DS is sick and we should keep him home. My plan of action to combat that, is that, if that occurs, I will attempt to attend a service alone Sunday that is closer to our home.
Todays Spiritual Routine Progress:
- Listen to a Podcast from Laudate.
- Pray ✔
- Send thoughts of loving kindness and pray a blessing for 3 people.
- Read 2 chapters from the Holy Bible.
- Meditate (currently 10 min.)
Today’s Mood out of 10 with 1 being low: 6
Today’s Something New:
- Trying a chocolate raspberry croissant for the first time.
Today’s Social Connection:
- brief msg. with JF
- Phone call with CZ
Today’s Lessons to Remember:
- I need to start taking notes during my counselling sessions.
- Rest. Rest. Rest. …Rest in the Lord.
Today’s Joy Notes:
- Lovely warm sunshiny day.
- Dr.B sharing his conscious intent not to abandon me.
- BI`s generosity with his time.
- Friendly chatty receptionists
- My children getting along.
- A long over due chat with CZ.