So Tired

Todays Spiritual Routine Progress:

  • Listen to a Podcast from Laudate.  ✔
  • Pray  ✔
  • Send thoughts of loving kindness and pray a blessing for 3 people.  ✔
  • Read 2 chapters from the Holy Bible.  ✔ 1 Corinthians 3 & 4
  • Meditate (currently 10 min.)

 

I am So tired.  So very very tired.  I have been having trouble getting to sleep this week.  3 nights in a row I took sleeping pills (this is the first time in my life I’ve taken them nightly), so last night I refused to take one, even though I so wanted/needed one.   Yesterday I was exhausted by lunch time, and cancelled plans with Shifu so I could spend the late afternoon and early evening in bed.  My inability to sleep at night is not for lack of being tired.  I don’t know what’s keeping me up.  Thinking?  Feeling?  Maybe.  I think I’ve fallen deeper into depression.  I’m ready to up my Ciprolex the final 1/4 of a pill to 20mg.  I need to up it the rest of the way… but I forgot to get a renewal on my prescription when I was in on Tuesday.  I can’t get back in to my MD until the 9th, and if I up it to 20mg now, I will run out before the 9th.

This morning I woke up early to find a message from Josh, with a link to todays Podcast, which truly blessed me by prompting me to begin my day with my spiritual routine.  So, I ate a healthy breakfast and went outside to do my devotions.  The morning was crisp and beautiful.  I could see my breath, and one small branch of leaves on my May tree have turned a brilliant reddish orange.  The sunlight was shining at that gorgeous golden angle, and the all the wet greens glowed vibrant and full of life.  The world was beautiful.  I read my bible, and I’ve been reading from a new translation, The NLV.  I’m finding the change in translation refreshing and it has reignited my hunger for the word of God.  To see God’s word in a new way is truly a blessing.

I was motivated to read 1 Corinthians by something that was said by my Counselor/psychologist (I really need to come up with a handle/nickname to use here to refer to him by).   So I’ve been continuing on reading 1 Corinthians, and really enjoying it.  Afterwards I prayed and sent out some thoughts of loving kindness/blessings.  At this point I was so cold and exhausted that I skipped meditation for the time being and came back into the house.

One of the things that my counsellor has me doing this week, is asking God to show me how he sees/views me.  Kind of asking him to let me see myself through his eyes.  I have been doing this by first reaching a state of mindfulness meditation, and then asking God to show me.  I tried not to have any expectations, however what is being revealed to me is definitely being revealed in a way I didn’t expect.  I am seeing images.  Sometimes they are moving, sometimes they are still.  The most recent one I attempted to move through.  The images are not of me, and I believe that they are symbols, so I have been using the dream dictionary at Dream Moods to try to decipher their meaning.  I would prefer to use a dictionary of spiritual symbolism, however I have been unable to find one.  Nevertheless, I have found the interpretations of these images to be surprisingly appropriate and personally meaningful.

I have much to do today and I am truly overwhelmed, but also unbelievably exhausted.  It has been a while since I have been this non-functionally exhausted.  I believe that this exhaustion is a symptom of a downward spiral of depression that was triggered not only by all that is going on in my life currently, but more specifically that it was magnified yesterday by my inability to book in with my MD for September 3rd to get my CT scan results and renew my prescriptions.  The fact that I was so exhausted that I cancelled plans last night with Shifu is a terribly bad sign for me.  I think it was reading a brief emailed reminder from my counsellor, about a hundred times, and hanging onto that truth, that pulled me through yesterday.  It said “The Lord loves you and has got you in His arms …whether you sense it or not :)”

 

We are SO so close to the end of the month and I need to decide what I’m going to be focusing on changing in this coming month.

I don’t have the energy to even think about it right now.

Go-a-long-way-inspirational-quotes


Today’s Mood out of 10 with 1 being low:  4

Today’s Something New:  Coming soon

Today’s Social Connection:

  • brief txt with RD
  • brief msg from Josh
  • emails from BI
  • txts with my cousin KK
  • Dinner with KS
  • TV with RD

Today’s Lessons to Remember:  Coming soon

Today’s Joy Notes:  

  • A recomendation from my counsellor to watch Grahme Cooke videos.
  • Watching this: Grahme Cooke: ‘Living Your Truest Identity.’
  • My buddy, KS from Minneapolis, texting me from the airport when he got into town.
  • KS being able handle my intensity with no problem.
  • Going to dinner with KS.
  • Finally getting to go for dinner at ‘Burger 320’ (it was on my bucket list)
  • Eating a yummy ‘Wickens Burger’ with BBQ Rhubarb Onion Chutney at a picnic table while enjoying a view of the city skyline.
  • Chatting with the lovely Chef Mario.
  • Being gifted with Chocolate Gelato.
  • Hanging out and watching TV with RD
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Restless Urgency In The Wake of The Unexpected.

So, it’s been over a week since my last post, and I promise that it was for a good reason, for the most part. 😉

August 18th I did attempt to hike Sulpher Mountain as planned.

The short story is that I didn’t make it.  I had a medical emergency 3/4 of the way up the mountain, and was airlifted off and spent the evening at the local hospital, and then spent the night sleeping in my van.

It is my intention to post a detailed account of that day here, as it made me re-evaluate my life, and it is my hope that it will prompt me to change.  Besides the fact, that it’s a really great story!  😉  However, I am still in the process of writing about the experience, and meanwhile life goes on and I need to continue to record some stuff for myself on this blog.  So, when the story finally does come, it will be chronologically a little out of order.  Keep an eye out for that post though, I promise that it will be a good one!

The big importance to me, of what occurred on Monday August 18th is that, as I said, it made me re-evaluate my life.  It occurred to me that I might die, and that made me restless, and gave me an urgency to take immediate action towards change in my life.  The problem is, that I don’t know what I want out of life, I just know that I don’t want to continue living my life the way I have been living.  I feel that either I need to change the life I’m living, or leave the life I’m living.   And to be honest, I am So afraid that I and my life will remain unchanged.  I know that change takes time, and that it’s often the little changes over time that lead to the big changes, but the longer the change takes, the more likely I am to run away from this life.   I considered so many options, even as extreme as moving my family to Aruba.  I don’t want to run away though, I want to change this life to make it work for everyone involved.

I spent a week in emotional and mental chaos, and all I can say is thank God for Shifu, because without him as a sound board, and his perspective and pep talks, who knows where or what condition I’d have spun off too.  Even still, after a week of restlessness, exhaustion, medical follow-up, rumination, and processing the events of August 18th, yesterday I sat in a parking lot in a troubled state and I decided to see a counsellor.

In the past I have had some very  bad experiences with counsellors, and so I was understandably quite nervous to try again.  My intention for going this time was to help me figure out what I want out of life, and what changes to make, though I do admit there is a host of things I am working on improving myself that I’m sure I can use professional support and expertise on as well.  I made the appointment with a new counsellor that I had not seen before, and hoped for the best.  At first impression, this counsellor is charismatic, and intelligent.  He handled my intensity no problem, in fact he met me toe to toe on it.  And though kind, he had no trouble telling me to ‘chill’, and countering me with gentle firmness.  I’m not sure that I got anywhere in terms of  examining possible changes, however I did feel that the session was productive and that there was a good connection.  I am looking forward to continuing to work with him in the future.

I wouldn’t be surprised if, in light of all this, I do some tweaking and revamping to my list here at project maple.

I think it’s time to step up my physical fitness, healthy eating, and self-love.

In the meantime, there’s a few days left in August to stay focused on my Spiritual Routine.

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Todays Spritual Routine Progress:

  • Listen to a Podcast from Laudate.
  • Pray  ✔
  • Send thoughts of loving kindness and pray a blessing for 3 people.
  • Read 2 chapters from the Holy Bible.
  • Meditate (currently 10 min.)

 


 

Today’s Mood out of 10 with 1 being low:  8

Today’s Something New: 

  • Today I asked God to show me how he sees me.
  • Got a new Haircut.
  • Painting my toes a new colour (yellow!)

Today’s Social Connection:

  • brief txt with Shifu
  • brief txt with DMac
  • Chatting witht the Hairdresser.

Today’s Lessons to Remember: 

Coming soon

Today’s Joy Notes:  Coming soon

Cranes & Wings & Other Things.

Todays Spritual Routine Progress:

  • Listen to a Podcast from Laudate.  ✔
  • Pray  ✔
  • Send thoughts of loving kindness and pray a blessing for 3 people.  ✔
  • Read 2 chapters from the Holy Bible.  ✔  1 Peter chapter 5 & 2 Peter chapter 1
  • Meditate (currently 10 min.) ✔

During today’s meditation I was aware of muscle stiffness in my neck and moving up into the beginnings of a headache.  I was able to stretch and by the end of the meditation time, all headache feelings had dissipated.  My focus on my breath and the colours was maintained fairly well, part way through I was startled by a sudden downpour, where after the steady rhythm of the rain became my focus.  It was quite pleasant, until I suddenly remembered the cat was outside.  At which time I broke off and ran to rescue him, which cut a minute off of the end of my meditation time.

Josh sent me this wonderful link today.  And I felt like something just clicked, like I finally ‘got’ it.  I’ve been living SO much inside my mind and I get stuck in there and feel like I’m floating away.  It can be quite unsettling and cause me to become depressed or frantic as I struggle to regain perspective and prevent myself from becoming carried away by my thoughts.  To realize that I can exercise control over this, that I can choose to remain present by focusing on what is real and isolating and dismissing what is only thought, is liberating.  Suddenly the Edward Abbey quote I posted a few days ago holds so much more meaning.  These realizations are incredibly exciting for me, and the world around me feels so much more real now.  The hard cool ceramic mug in my hand, the steam rising off an omlette, the floor beneath my feet.  Everything.  It really is like waking up from a dream.

Yesterday I made my first paper crane, and I’ve been continuing to make them at various moments since then.  I now have made 7 lovely paper cranes.  I find the time spent making them relaxing and when sad memories enter my mind I remind myself that they are only memories and I can choose to cease thinking about them at any moment and they can’t hurt me.  I find that my control over my mind has strengthened since beginning to learn to meditate, and for this I am very grateful.  I wondered a bit at my sudden drive to continue to make the paper cranes.  Though it is relaxing, there is much to do and it may not be the most valuable use of my time.  However, as I completed the seventh Crane, a gold one, the words of a poem that my father had transcribed into a book for me came to mind…

How Do We Know

~Frances Dentler~

‘As Cranes wing south in autumn

To rest beside the sea,

My heart soars ever Godward,

And I know His love for me.

 

How can I tell

God keeps me in His care?

How do birds know

Warm shores await them there?’

 

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my fathers birthday.  He would have been 62 this year, but he passed away a little over 5 years ago now.  It is my intention to hike a mountain alone tomorrow to visit the site where his ashes are buried.  It will be the first time I’ve visited the site in over a year, and the first time I’ll visit the site alone.  I think, perhaps I will bring along one of these paper cranes to leave there in remembrance of him.

If truth be told, I am afraid to do this hike.  I know it will be physically challenging for me, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it.  Afraid that emotionally and mentally and physically I just don’t have what it takes.  And maybe just a little, I’m afraid of doing this alone.  I find myself thinking of excuses not to do it.  I see them for what they are.  Excuses to remain stuck.  Excuses to not live.

How much life have I missed already?

It’s time to spread my wings.

It’s time to live.

Dont-worry-about-failures-worry-about-the-chances-you-miss-when-you-dont-even-try


Today’s Mood out of 10 with 1 being low:  5

Today’s Something New: Coming soon

Today’s Social Connection:

  • brief Msgs with JF

Today’s Lessons to Remember: 

1.  Any moment you experience can be broken down into three simple qualities:

  i.) Your immediate physical surroundings right now

ii.) The physical feelings in your body right now

iii.) What you’re thinking about right now

2.  When I get lost in rumination I can choose to stop at any time and break down what is actually present in my moment and what is being caused by thought and turn my attention back into some physical part of the moment, and the thoughts and memories can’t hurt me anymore.

Today’s Joy Notes:  Coming soon

 

Why and How

Todays Spritual Routine Progress:

  • Listen to a Podcast from Laudate.  ✔
  • Pray  ✔
  • Send thoughts of loving kindness and pray a blessing for 3 people.  ✔
  • Read 2 chapters from the Holy Bible.  ✔
  • Meditate (currently 10 min.) ✔

Today I read Psalm 5 & 6, and found myself tearing up by the end of Psalm 6.  Whether from emotion or exhaustion I can not say.

This time, during meditation the colour was different then usual.  Instead of the usual rosy pinks and reds I saw mostly grey and pale yellow, the colour of swiss cheese.  It was decidedly less pleasant.  I struggled with thoughts of food and what I would write about my meditation experience today.  I was aware of my own poor posture.  And the cat was a distraction.  Still, I endured the full 10 min.

Developing this spiritual routine is important to me, not just for the sake of developing routine, and self-discipline.  And not only in attempting to find more perspective, and inner peace, and to aid in emotional regulation.  And though I hope that it does all those things, what I mostly desire is to draw closer to God and to strengthen my personal relationship with Christ.  I remember a time in my life when my faith was strong and my heart passionate for Christ.  I long to regain what I have lost.  To grow and become stronger in my faith.  To feel a close spiritual connection with my God again.  To be filled once again with love and peace that passes all understanding.  To be filled with a consuming passion for God, and find that he is enough.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I can ever regain the exact child like faith that I once had.  And maybe I’m not meant to.  Through life I have grown and changed, and it makes sense that my spiritual life would change to.  And though my spiritual life has changed, at a first glance I have trouble seeing any positive growth.  Upon closer inspection I find increases in acceptance and understanding and love towards all mankind.   I find a distaste for organized religion and the dogma and legalism that stems from them.  I find I’ve developed a broadening acceptance of other denominations and faiths, though still look to the Holy Bible and the Holy Spirit for ultimate guidance and understanding.  My faith is becoming my own, and I’m still sorting things out.  Therefore, I continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling.  (more information on what that means can be found here)

12 ‘Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.’  ~Phillipians 2:12-13~

 

Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge


Today’s Mood out of 10 with 1 being low:  5

Today’s Something New: 

  • Made an origami paper crane.

Today’s Social Connection:

  • Texts with RD
  • brief Msgs with JF

Today’s Lessons to Remember: 

  1. It’s best to shut the cat out of the room during meditation.
  2. Growth need not always be measured in the ways we expect.

Today’s Joy Notes:

  • Making a bright teal paper crane.
  • The kids playing ‘Master Chef’ with their plastic pretend food, and bringing me their food to judge along with the food of a third imaginary contestant.
  • Lots of laughs as I continued to participate on a progressive story.
  • A bubble bath.
  • Chocolate cake and Milk.
  • My DD being so eager to help around the house.
  • Cuddling the kids while watching ‘Master Chef’ together.
  • Writing a poem for the first time in 15 years.
  • A friend, RD, taking time to keep me company via text when I felt lonesome.

Waves of Anxiety & Plans to Love Life.

I’ve been anxious yesterday and today.

Yesterday I did my spiritual routine as planned, however I was disoriented and couldn’t find the podcast set I usually listen to, so I listened to something else.  I also got distracted and somehow missed the bible reading all together without even realizing it.  The meditation went fine, and I think it may have relieved most of the anxiety.  My outlook on life was better yesterday, I got together with a friend and made a point of trying some new things.  Like switching email providers and trying Milk Kifer.

Today that anxious feeling is back.  I remembered to do the whole routine this time.  I had trouble understanding the podcast, it seemed a bit deeper then what my mind could handle today.  Prayer and blessings went fine, though I find I can rarely stop at blessing only three people.  Once I start I just want to keep going, and new people keep coming to mind.  For Bible reading I continued on with Psalms, reading 3 and 4 this time.  The last verse of Psalm 4 particularly stood out.

 ‘In Peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety.’

~Psalm 4:8~

The anxious feeling persisted, and I hoped that the time in meditation would relieve it.  I generally enjoy watching the colours behind my eyelids change with my breath, as the blood flows and light shifts, and find that a good thing to use as a point of focus.  Today however I found my breathing was loud, and my mind was full of memories, and an intense urge to bite my nails.  I did maintain stillness and a non judgmental attitude, and attempted to continue to return to the present for the whole 10 minutes.  Though the 10 minutes did seem longer then they ought to have.  Though during meditation I was given a bit of a reprieve from the anxious feelings, I found that immediately afterward the anxious feelings have returned fully, along with shortness of breath.  They are not accompanied by any particular thought, it’s just general anxiety.

I want to write more, about my plan to help me  ‘Fall in Love with Life’ again.  The plan is not fully formed however, and with my anxiety level up there I’m having a bit of trouble thinking clearly.  But I’ve been going ahead and starting to work toward this so I want to record my loose ideas and I can build a more concrete organized plan around it later.

  • Experiencing new stuff.
  • Doing things I’ve never done before.
  • Going new places.

* They don’t have to be exciting or far.  I should be able to do those things right here, since I pretty much live in a bubble most of the time, and don’t get off the beaten path much.

* I want to put a social component into it as well.

* Developing morning and evening rituals/routines.  my spiritual routine is a great start, but I would like to continue to develop more routines as well.

* and consistently doing my Joy notes are a big part of this too.

 

Quotes About Moving Forward 0001 (5)


 

Today’s Mood out of 10 with 1 being low:  4

Today’s Something New:

  • Making Sour dough Bread

Today’s Social Connection:

  • Texts with RD.
  • A quick phone call with my SIL

Today’s Lessons to Remember: 

  1. It’s okay to get rained on.  Rain doesn’t hurt.  We are not made of sugar, so we won’t melt.
  2. The only real failure is the failure to try.

Today’s Joy Notes:

  • Finally using the dutch oven to try making sourdough bread.
  • JF taking time to msg me.
  • The looks of delight on my children’s faces as I danced for them in the pouring rain.
  • Taking the kids for a walk in the last golden hour of sunshine, the scent of the rain still filling the air.
  • Watching the kids on the swing.
  • Participating in a progressive story.
  • All the great curriculum I was given second hand.
  • Looking fwd to a down weekend of baking and puttering.

Yesterday’s Mood out of 10 with 1 being low:  6

Yesterday’s Something New:

  • Trying milk Kifer
  • Changing my email address provider.

Yesterday’s Social Connection:

  • Emails with RD.
  • Play date and visit with FV
  • Msgs. with JF
  • Porch visit with the neighbor.

Yesterday’s Lessons to Remember:

  1. When my perception tells me I have no friends, it’s lying.
  2. Who I am is the version of me that comes most naturally.
  3. Suffering is caused by clinging to what we don’t have and pushing away what we do have. Thanks for the reminder to find joy in what each moment brings Josh.

Yesterday’s Joy Notes:  

  • My friend JF who knowing me well enough to know what kind of links I will enjoy.
  • This making me smile: ‘Happy Rock Climbers enjoying the view’
  • Making a choice to move forward on something that I’ve been procrastinating .switcing email providers
  • Light playful emails back and forth with a friend RD
  • Making good progress deciding on my first tattoo.
  • Last minute plans and being able to just be myself hanging out with a friend FVdoing nothing while she painted and gardened.
  • Laying on the trampoline staring up at the sky and trees, and out at the fields.
  • Trying something new Kefir
  • Watching ‘Master Chef’ with the kids.
  • Msg’s from one of my dearest friends JF before bed.

keep-moving-forward-its-the-way-to-live-life-life-quote

Brightening My Spirit & My Toenails.

The first item on my list of things I wish I did for myself, is ‘Read my bible daily and had a morning routine for my spirit’.

So this month this is the habit that I am working toward incorporating into my life.

What this looks like for me is the following:

  • Listen to a Podcast from Laudate.
  • Pray
  • Send thoughts of loving kindness and pray a blessing for 3 people.
  • Read 2 chapters from the Holy Bible. (typically I use the Bible Ap by youversion.com)
  • Meditate (currently 10 min.)

I have been in the practice of doing the above occasionally over the summer, however I have done it consistently for the last 3 days after beginning Project Maple.

In addition to doing this for myself, I would like to do something else for myself.  Make a plan to help me fall in love with life again.  A loose plan has been forming in my mind today.

Recently (for a little over a week now) I have been rather depressed.  I wanted to give myself 2 weeks to see if I’d snap out of it, I mean a girl can have a bad week right?  I had noticed the negative change and considered that I may need to up my anti-depressant dose (still within the range suggested by my MD), so I asked 2 trusted friends to keep an eye on me and let me know in 2 weeks if they thought I should indeed up it as I suspected.  But after only a week it was becoming increasingly worse and I was scaring myself, so I consulted with these friends again, and decided to begin today to slowly increase my dose (to the max suggested by my MD).

This morning I woke up early, which has become a pleasant and healthy custom for me this summer.  I have had rough sleeps the last 3 nights, as my 7 yr old DS (with special needs) has been coming into my room and crawling into bed with me.  I decided to go back to sleep, and discovered an important pattern.  I often have vivid and disturbing dreams, but usually only when I go back to sleep again, after initially waking in the morning.  Bad dreams often trigger further negative feelings, so it would be wise for me to not go back to sleep again in the morning.   When I woke again I started developing my loose plan to help me fall in love with life again.  As part of the plan (which I will lay out in more detail later), I began to recruit friends to do things with.  When I met with the least bit of resistance, my mood immediately dove, which I’m sad to say is not unusual for me.  I then spent the rest of the day in bed dozing off and on and trying to work slowly and systematically through my spiritual routine/devotions between sleep.  Bogged down and slowed by my depressive state and exhaustion I was unable to make much sense of the podcast, which I listened to anyway; Unable to pray much beyond ‘Dear God please help me’, and sent only the most basic blessings.  I usually begin my 2 chapters with the chapter that Bible Ap takes the verse of the day from; however seeing that it was from Deuteronomy and keeping in mind my current state, I chose to read Psalm 1 & 2 instead.  I found the words from these Psalms to be comforting and familiar.  This perked me up enough to get up, but not enough to give me much hope of focus for meditation.  So I got up and painted my toenails blue.  I found the effect of my freshly painted toenails on my mood to be surprisingly revitalizing (Something that I must remember in future when I need a pick me up).  Immediately following I sat down to meditate while my nails dried and found that my focus was better than it had been in any other time of meditation.

This type of meditation, that I’m currently practicing, is new to me.  I’m told it’s called mindfulness meditation (Mindfulness… how I hate that word 😉 ).  I’m learning about it under Josh’s guidance and through reading a book that he recommended called ‘Mindfulness in Plain English’.  As a long time mouth breather I struggled particularly with relaxing while breathing through my nose.  This is the first time that I meditated while breathing through my mouth and it made such a huge and positive difference for me.  I also chose to do something else different…  when thoughts entered my mind, instead of telling them ‘not now’ as I have been in the past,  I accepted them.  Just a simple hello to recognize them and name them was acknowledgement that they were there, and I found they quickly faded away.  I believe that this new success in ability to maintain focus has much to do with my attitude toward intrusive thoughts, and the difference between fighting them and accepting them.

I think that in future it would be wise to do my spiritual routine first thing when I wake up.  It will likely provide me with a better outlook and perspective for the rest of the day.  And then I would be up and ready to go, instead of fighting depression and finally crawling out of bed at 2pm.  Plus if I don’t go back to sleep a second time, I can probably avoid those strange and vivid dreams.  😉

Be blessed, I’m going to put a second coat of paint on my toenails.

~Maple~


 

The ups and downs throughout my day have been dramatic.

Todays Mood out of 10 with 1 being low:   2 – 5

Todays Lessons To Remember:

  1. Painting toenails can be incredibly revitalizing.
  2. Devotions are best done first thing.
  3. Going back to sleep a second time in the morning often brings bad dreams.
  4. It’s ok to mouth breathe in meditation
  5. In meditation acknowledgment and acceptance of random thoughts and feelings yields better results than fighting and rejecting.

Todays Joy Notes: 

  • Being able to rest and not having to go anywhere.
  • A great link from a friend JF about HSP and routines.
  • Blue nail polish and brightly painted toenails.
  • A successful meditation experience.
  • Promise of fun times ahead with a friend TP, whom I havn’t seen in over a year.
  • Starting to watch a new season of ‘Master Chef’ with the kids.
  • Safe travels for DH.
  • The final glimpse of the sunset edging the clouds with flaming pink, like a ribbon of molten lava across the sky.
  • The night heat was broken by big fat lazy raindrops that turned into a downpour.
  • A friend JF sharing this beautiful quote with me, even though I find it challenges me:

    I am pleased enough with the surfaces – in fact they alone seem to me to be of much importance. Such things for example as the grasp of a child’s hand in your own, the flavor of an apple, the embrace of a friend or lover, the silk of a girl’s thigh, the sunlight on the rock and leaves, the feel of music, the bark of a tree, the abrasion of granite and sand, the plunge of clear water into a pool, the face of the wind – what else is there? What else do we need?

    ~Edward Abbey~

  • Cold Chocolate Milk.

 

Keep Moving Forward

Where I’m At.

As I sit to write this blog entry I see a big blank box.  I am torn with how to represent myself and what to write.

First I fill the box with stream of consciousness writing, filled with beautiful imagery and coloured with an overlying tone of angst.  This is the confused and broken version of me.  Lost and scared.

Then I try to practice positive self talk.  To examine the other side of the coin.  The put together and organized me.  The profound me with good perspective and insight and wise words.  The me that I think everyone wants me to be.

Neither seems right.

Once again I remind myself that this is for me.  This project is for me. This blog is for me.  I am writing this for me.

But who am I?  Authentically at the core, who am I?  Before I bend myself into what I think someone else needs or wants, who am I?

I am all of these things.  I am none of these things.

I can’t find my true self.  I wonder if it’s possible to not have a true self.  I am haunted by the notion that perhaps I put myself somewhere safe deep inside, and can’t remember where?


 

I wanted to write a little bit about my current state, so that I can measure the changes as I progress through this project.

Whether it be truth or not I feel inadequate.  Much of the time I am confused.  At times I wonder who I am and what I am doing with my life.  I’m muddling through day by day in what feels like a continual cycle of waking and sleeping.  Rising again and again to serve my family, my friends, my community, and through all this, my God.  Neglecting myself, my desires, my goals, my dreams,  my spiritual and emotional needs, and even my physical needs at times.  … most of the time, if truth be told.  I can’t help but feel that nothing is ever good enough.  Not good enough for others, and/or not good enough for me.  While holding authenticity in highest regard I simultaneously wear the many hats, shoes, and masks that are required of me to serve those around me most effectively.  Where then is the authenticity and the authentic me in all this?  Buried so deeply, somewhere safe within for so long, that I can no longer remember what it looks like or who I am.


The Following things do not define me.  They may however be an indicator of my current health.

Hight: 5’4″

Weight: 232 lbs

Mood on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is low:    3

Meds:

Daily: Cipralex 15mg (been thinking about upping this one)

As Needed: Ativan 0.5 mg. & Sublinox 5mg.

Medical conditions or diagnosis: None

Activity level: Sedentary

Eating lifestyle/habit:  Western Dietary Pattern/Omnivore (for info on more eating lifestyles see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_diets

 

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